Road Trip Rules

Road Trip Rules

Rules to travel by

1. Once everyone is on a bus, plane, train, or tram,  no one is allowed to disembark until we've reached our destination. No one. Not even your mother. Even if she wants one more picture, tell her no. Firmly.

The picture that caused all the trouble.

2. If you are on the bus as it is pulling away (without your mother on it), try not to look too happy.  Look sad. Look horrified.

3. No one gets a 12€ gelato unless you've finished your lunch. Every day since 2009.

4. Whining to go back to the hotel, then complaining you're bored, is a federal offense.

5. Complaining your mother isn't in enough pictures, then commenting on her inability to photography well, is dangerous. In retaliation, she may be tempted to take out a full page ad in your yearbook with a picture of you of her choice.

6. Do not take the drain plugs out of a drain. They serve a purpose. And the toothpaste cap is exactly the same diameter. Sweet.

7. You brought four stuffed animals. You sleep with them if they are lonely.

8. You eat free at breakfast. Squirrel up. That is a commandment.

9. Never pass a public bathroom without asking yourself the obvious question.

10. When I say run, RUN. The opposite is equally important.

11. Do not tell your mother your throat is swelling if it is not. I carry your EpiPen and I'm not afraid to use it. You've been warned. If you thought it might mean you wouldn't have to hike the Forum, you were wrong.

12. Shouting "Bee!" to watch your brother go nuts, is mean. Unless of course there is a bee.

13. Pushing your sister backward over a railing- also mean. Even if it was an "accident".

14. Do not take my camera and take 19 pictures of the same duck. In the same position. Ever again. It is also a bad idea to videotape your mother when she is tired and lost. Your multi media rights may be revoked.

15. I'm never going to say you can rent a movie in the hotel room for 11€. Never. It's the principle of the thing.

16. If you have glasses, wear them. Trips are expensive. We are not coming back because the whole thing was blurry.

17. Birds poop. When you agree to let a street vendor place them on your head, there may be consequences.

This bird encounter went fine. Not so for a different child.

We've been gone 36 hours.

18. Napping on the tram may result in overshooting your stop by 17 stops.

19. It is always a good idea to put the hotel's business card in your pocket/purse. It will be a big help when you are lost. Again. Other hotel's desk staff are very nice.

20. When you've booked a car rental, it's a good plan to remember to pack your license.

21. When your wife has been upgraded to pilot, it is unwise to criticize her ability to drive a 6 speed through the streets of Rome, especially since she accomplished this without killing anyone.

22. Do not interrupt the tour of the Vatican to tell your mother your sneakers are too small. Unless you see Converse for sale in the gift shop, it is a pointless conversation.

23. Running through the streets of Rome in the dark is not a great idea. You will scare the driver of the car who thinks she's just hit a boy. You were fine.  She is probably still shaking.

24. Confusing the toll ticket with the parking garage ticket will ensure you pay the maximum amount possible. 10.80€. They all look alike and they are all in Italian.


Those are enough rules for now. Like Sheldon Cooper's Roommate Agreement, they may be subject to revision (to my benefit only).

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