Frank's Red Hot Chicken Dip

This might be the anti-cooking blog.  Today's culinary misadventures brought to you by yours truly.

We've been to two parties recently where that infamous, calorie laden, 'can't stop yourself' dip was served.  I thought I'd make it.  I thought I'd chronicle my adventure to aid in your understanding of where my recipes seem to go so (horribly) wrong.

Sounds simple.  Five ingredients. Prep time 5 minutes.

1. Cream cheese- check.
2. Frank's Red Hot Sauce- that's a problem.
3. Blue cheese or shredded cheese- okay.
4. Cooked chicken- I have left over turkey. About the same, right?
5. Ranch dressing- I have never seen that in Switzerland. Could be a problem.

Google recipe for homemade ranch dressing.  Pondered the decision to try this. Pioneer woman makes things sound so easy.

This has many more ingredients.

1. Sour cream- easy.
2. Lemon juice. Got it.
3. Worcestershire sauce.  Got that, too.
4. Buttermilk- Nope.
5. Fresh parsley- Dried I've got.
6. Fresh chives- Dried again.
7. Mustard-plenty of that.
8. Mayo
9. White wine vinegar- I wouldn't know white wine vinegar if it bit me on the ass.  Google it.  Gonna have to be balsamic.

Probably other stuff but I've already chosen to forget.

Dump in the sour cream. Mayo is next. Miracle Whip is already open. Google it..."Is Miracle Whip same as mayonnaise?"  It sort of is.  'Sort of' is close enough.  Go for the lemon juice. Can't find it anywhere. I distinctly remember using it recently. Hunt around for a fresh lemon. Find a frozen lemon. Not helpful. Maybe the lemon juice was relocated to the refrigerator in the in-law apt outside.  Put on my shoes. Trudge across the patio.

Which child keeps leaving this door open?!  Cabinet doors are all open.  I close them. Who does this?!  I'm probably looking for the same culprit.  Those straws I bought for the kids beverages at Christmas are too cute to be out here.  I should bring them in so they get used. The dining room table out there still has the Christmas decorations on it. I stop to admire it.  Get annoyed a child has moved the couch.  What was I out here for...? Back inside.  It's on the table.   

I add the lemon juice.  Check the fridge for the Worcestershire sauce.  Not in there. Check everywhere.  I need to clean this thing out and figure out why the lemon froze.  Think. Think.  Check the pantry.  Sure enough, there it is.  I check to see how potentially lethal it is now having been unrefrigerated for at  least a week.  Label is in German.  I have absolutely no idea. I'm using it anyway.

Buttermilk.  It's probably available somewhere in Switzerland but despite my grandfather's love of it, I have had no similar interest and have never searched for it.  Google a substitute.  Milk and lemon. Let it sit. Should be ready in five minutes.  The whole recipe should have been ready in five minutes. Taken me 40 minutes so far and I haven't even finished my bastardized version of ranch dressing.  Getting tired. Pour a glass of wine.

Dump the dried herbs in.  Guessing amounts.  Pour another glass of wine.

I'd taste it but I don't really even like ranch dressing so I have no idea what it should taste like and I don't like mayo (or Miracle whip). But it looks okay. Congratulate myself.  Go to close out the recipe on my phone. I just managed to nudge the recipe. Good thing. I forgot two ingredients.  Blame the wine. Add the missing ingredients

Dressing complete. Doug comes home, "Is it ready?" Please.

So far I've Google searched substitutions for ranch dressing, buttermilk, mayo vs Miracle Whip, whether gorgonzola was in fact blue cheese, and if Frank's Red Hot was the same as Tabasco Sauce, debated the lethality of one ingredient, the freshness of four others, and why shouldn't I use leftover turkey.

In fact, this recipe has taken me weeks. My last chore is to make a concoction best approximating Frank's Red Hot out of Tabasco, cayenne pepper, and a few other things, yet another Google search.

Throw it in the oven.  Forget all about it. Google how long to cook it. 20 minutes.  It's been 30. Out it comes.

Pour another glass of wine. It's burn your mouth off hot. Turkey gives it an interesting flavor. Interesting isn't always good. 

This is what it's like every time I try to cook something.  So, I put Google to a much better use and find a store in Switzerland that imports.  For about $26 I ordered; 2 bottles of Frank's Red Hot Sauce and three packages of ranch dressing mix.

 It's a freakin' bargain.

The beautiful monogram was my Christmas present from my sister. Everyone should have one.