Twenty minutes

I found out what kind of mother I am today.  I am the kind of mother that will drive for exactly twenty minutes wondering if a spider is in her pants biting her. Not 19 minutes. Not twenty-one. I will do this for my daughter. Because I love her and because it is very dangerous to take off your pants while you are driving.  And because there was nowhere to pull over. But mostly, I was afraid to take off my pants.

Twenty minutes of tortured driving wondering how this could happen. Twenty minutes of feeling the lump under my jeans on my thigh. Biting me.  Because it had the most unfortunate luck to be hiding in my jeans when I got dressed and now it was semi-crushed but fully pissed.

I am that kind of selfless mother who does not think of herself for twenty minutes in order to get her daughter where she needed to be on-time.  Except it was a two-hour drive.

I remember the spider that had crawled into my shorts while driving the DC beltway.  I was screaming. The good news was I wasn't driving.  I remembered all the sea moles my brothers stuck in my bathing suit as a kid. Sea moles are like shell-less snails. Which is why I cracked and pulled into a Dunkin Donuts and announced I was taking off my pants in the parking lot. Lauren paled.

I went in- there was a bathroom. That I was afraid to take off my own pants is not the point.  That it only turned out to be a piece of glass is not the point.  The point is that I thought it was a spider and I kept it together for twenty minutes.  That is a long time without crashing.

That is the kind of mother I am.


  1. You are the BEST mother!! you make me laugh and keep me in awe of all of your skills!

  2. OH MY WORD! This totally made my day! Jen you need to write for YOu must totally send them your brilliance!


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