Loving Lo




It was move-in day at college. She was in and we were both exhausted. It was 102 degrees but we did it. I swear it was 83 degrees there at 4 a.m.
I swiped my $8.00 parking ticket off my windshield, bought her lunch, got a Carolina cap for my collection, and then I left her standing in front of her dorm.
It's was too late to start the drive back. I stayed in a hotel that night after deciding to leave in the morning.
But talk about feeling conflicted. I was telling her the story recently about how after she was born I had postpartum depression. It took me awhile to feel like I bonded with her.
When I had my son, I would have laid down on train tracks for him the minute after he was born. I expected the same intense reaction when she was born but it didn't happen like that.
Then her toddler years came and she was so high energy and demanding and so smart, I often wondered out loud if I was the right mother for her. Like seriously, had there been a mix up? I had two other kids who were so content in the moment, who didn't defy me fifty times a day, could this be right?
But when we moved to Switzerland for an expat assignment, it was Lo I counted on. She was too demanding, too relentless in her own needs for me to think too much about how sad I was that first year. And it was a hard, hard year. That was when I realized I needed her as much as she needed me. There was no mix-up.
Four more years of her doing things her way and she picks the school so far away, there are palm trees on campus and it's so damn hot the heat shimmers up from the sidewalk in waves.
We took three days to drive there. We shared a bed each night in the houses we stayed at. I didn't sleep very well either night. She didn't either. But for different reasons.
We got to campus early and I sat outside where you could have fried eggs on the sidewalk while she checked herself in and got her room key. Then we moved it all in.
I hung up her dresses and folded her towels and then we made her bed together.
Her bed is next to the window and as we made it, I heard the train blow its whistle as it went through downtown Columbia and I thought, "I'd lay down my life for hers in an instant." I just couldn't love her more.
Loving Lo happened like that.


Comments

  1. I have tears rolling down my cheeks right now Jennifer. How beautifully you described this one moment and all the memories that made it what it is. I struggled to bond with my first born, probably because I was totally and utterly unprepared for being a mom. His sister was love at first sight. Now they both mean more to me than anything. How I wish I could have been there when they moved into their dorms at the University but we only had enough money to fly them to a land far away, so they had to do it all by themselves. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful moment. I didn't realize how much I needed to empty out my crying jug <3

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  2. What a loving mother's post written with honesty about your relationship with your daughter.
    We love all our children so strongly but differently when they are born and as they grow.
    I agree with you that I would lay down my life for my 4 children.

    Hugs,
    Robin

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  3. Lovely story. Isn't funny how our children can be so different but give so much in their own ways? In September, we moved our oldest 1000 miles away for her first real job after college so I sympathize with having her so far away. Thankful for modern communication!

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  4. Beautiful story! As my youngest turns 29 today, I have had flash backs to how spirited she has been throughout her whole life! I couldn't be more proud of her. She bought her own home last year, but not a day goes by that we don't touch base with each other. Mother and daughter relationships are probably the most complex yet powerful and special relationships of all!

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  5. My son never went away to college, but it still tugs at my heart to have him in his own place. I tried to be good and just give "suggestions" on decor and placement of furniture. Some he balked at but then some he realized might be a good idea.

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  6. nice story! Did read in short but simply delivered your feelings in beautiful way. Appreciate it. Keep blogging.

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